by Patrick Imig (@patrickimig)
Cold Hard Football Facts Fabulous Fabulist
Today marks the annual spectacle that is Super Bowl Media Day. It's an outstanding event that gives media members unfiltered access to players, since the media never has a chance to ask questions of athletes and coaches. Right.
Before we watch the Super Bowl in all its glory this Sunday, read about how much better Media Day would be if these events actually took place. You'll notice the use of Arabic numerals as the timeline goes on. This isn't a knock on your ability to translate Roman numerals, it's a means to prevent you from straining your eyes while staring at the numbers on your screen.
SUPER BOWL III – Along with a victory over the Colts, Joe Namath guaranteed he'd sleep with every female sports reporter before the game in the trainer's room in Los Angeles.
SUPER BOWL IV – In an ominous sign for Vikings Super Bowl teams, the entire Minnesota roster failed to show for its first media day at Tulane Stadium.
SUPER BOWL VI – In the first sign of individual sponsorships in sports advertising, Dolphins head coach Don Shula placed packages of Nutrisystem meal on his podium during interviews. Following the Dolphins 24-3 loss to the Cowboys, the Miami Herald summed up the game with a headline that read "Nutrisystem offense."
SUPER BOWL IX (9) - Minnesota Vikings head coach Bud Grant scolded every media member who smoked cigarettes and drank during Super Bowl week.
SUPER BOWL XV (15) – Dick Vermeil made history when he conducted the first media day interview in history while openly weeping.
SUPER BOWL XVII (17) – Joe Theismann set a Super Bowl Media Day record with a 17-minute, 2,500-word answer to a reporter's question.
SUPER BOWL XIX (19) – Having learned from his head coach Don Shula, Dan Marino wore Isotoner Gloves during Super Bowl Media Day. Marino wore the gloves all the way in to the Super Bowl. He removed them after his second interception.
SUPER BOWL XXIII (23) – Just days before Jerry Rice set the single game Super Bowl receiving record (215 yards), a mystified Sam Whyche responded to a media day question asking, "Who is this Jerry Rice you speak of?"
SUPER BOWL XXVII (26) – Redskins quarterback Mark Rypien defiantly proclaimed he had a better sidepart than his Buffalo counterpart, Jim Kelly. He was right.
SUPER BOWL XXXIII (33) – While having sex with various hookers during Super Bowl week, Falcons safety Eugene Robinson wore Ray Buchanan's media day dog collar. According to one anonymous hooker, Robinson was also barking like a dog.
SUPER BOWL XXXVI (34) - When a Titans beat writer questioned Rams quarterback Kurt Warner's faith, Jesus appeared at Warner's podium and transformed the media microphones into officially licensed NFL Wilson footballs.
SUPER BOWL XXXVII (37) - ESPN'S Chris Berman actively sought international media members for interviews of Chris Berman.
Wait. That really happened.
SUPER BOWL XL (40) – Jerome Bettis made a majority of sports writers cry at Ford Field when he revealed his hometown of Detroit was actually Detroit, Oregon. A record 2300 retractions were published in the following 24 hours by writers clarifying their previous hometown hero stories.
SUPER BOWL XLIII (43) – James Harrison was fined $10,000 by the league for promising to reporters he was going to "hit someone" in the Super Bowl.
SUPER BOWL XLV (45) – Steelers DT Brett Keisel wowed onlookers when he dropped former teammate Amos Zereoue from the depths of his beard.
SUPER BOWL XLVI (46) - Mathias Kiwanuka sacked ESPN reporters after failing to get the hometown hero, Jerome Bettis treatment.
Also, Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski -- hobbled ankle and all -- starred in his own private film titled "Tight End entices hot MILF with a tight end" which was unreleased in NFL Films circles. Due to age and lack of children, adult film star Bibi Jones was overlooked for the role. As such, she sent out feelers for fellow Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez and former New England All Pro Ben Coates. Former H-Back Marv Cook was overlooked, however.
SUPER BOWL XLVII (47) - Jim and John Harbaugh entered media day to a cacophony of fireworks and pomp and circumstance while the theme song from commercials for My Buddy blared over the loud speakers.