By Scott Kacsmar
Cold, Hard Football Facts Christmas caroler
New York cares.
After the flop job by the Jets on Christmas Eve against the Giants, it couldn’t have been an easy or cheerful
holiday weekend. The “biggest” Jets/Giants game in years turned out in typical Jets’ fashion: they were excited before the game, but after getting pushed around by Big Blue, the hopes for the playoffs are all but gone barring a miracle.
But to ease the soul, here’s some holiday cheer. A new twist on a classic.
Picture Joe Namath, dressed as Santa, wearing Suzy Kolber’s pantyhose, drinking a gallon of eggnog, as he recites:
“The Night Before Christmas” – Jets Edition
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
The Jets fans were stirring with each click of the mouse.
The stockings weren’t hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Fireman Ed soon could be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sack-fumbles danced in their heads.
After convincing her I never had the clap,
Suzy Kolber came over; we were to take a nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I moved the best I can,
It’s not easy to run without knees, says this old man.
When, what visions my wandering eyes were met,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny Jets.
With a driver reading the newest “Foot Sex”
I knew in a moment it must be St. Rex!
More rapid than Jets his coursers they came,
And he hollered, and swore, and called them by name!
“Now, Sanchez! Now, Mangold! Now, Burress and LT!
On, Revis! On, Harris! Wait, where is Cromartie?”
After asking Bart Scott if he wanted a snack,
Bart quickly replied: “Can’t wait! Toss one back!”
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of gifts, and St. Rex too.
And then I heard on the roof, a rhythmic beat
The prancing and pawing of each little cleat.
As I cleared my head and finished the last ounce,
Down through the chimney St. Rex fell with a bounce
He was dressed in my furs, from his head to his foot,
My furs were stretched out! Tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of gifts he had flung on his back,
And he looked a bit hungry, devouring another snack.
His eyes-how they reflected on my Christmas bulbs!
His hair-so much longer; if not Rex, was it Rob?
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
But the Jets just lost New York; why so merry?
He had a broad face and a large round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
(Yeah, that stanza pretty much wrote itself
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon let me know I had something to dread.
He asked me if I was interested in some work
“It’s this kid Sanchez”, he started, then turned with a jerk.
“I can’t win with him anymore, can’t you see?”
Well that’s obvious, but what did he want with me?
I couldn’t coach the kid to play quarterback right,
Look at my stats; they’re one hell of a sight!
Suddenly a gunshot rang through the air
It rattled my heart; gave me a good scare
Little Plaxico must have confused a bag of toys for tots,
With the stash of automatic handguns he just bought.
As we calmed down to discuss the Sanchez situation,
St. Rex continued to vent his frustrations.
“The kid can’t do this, the kid can’t do that!”
So why did you take him fifth in the draft?
Finally I heard enough and gave him a guarantee.
Hiring me as quarterbacks coach won’t be the key.
With his head slumped down, Rex looked ready to cry.
I wished him good luck, as we went to say good bye.
Then he asked me who would be a good 2012 stand-in.
I asked him,” Do you have the address for one Peyton Manning?”
And after laying his finger aside of his nose,
Giving a big smile, a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And before flying away, told Burress to holster that pistol.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of view,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to Brandon Jacobs: **** you!”
Scott Kacsmar is a football researcher/writer who has contributed large quantities of data to Pro-Football-Reference.com, including the only standardized database of fourth quarter comebacks and game-winning drives. No hard feelings: Joe, Brandon, Suzy, Plaxico. You can send any questions or comments to Scott at firstname.lastname@example.org and you can follow him on Twitter at @CaptainComeback.