By Patrick Imig
Cold Hard Football Facts' Halloween Fearmonger

Halloween usually means a couple of things in the NFL. It means we've more or less reached the halfway point of the season. It means Chris Berman is going to wear Halloween-themed ties. It means former defensive tackle Kris Jenkins can finally try to launch that pilot TV show he and CBS have always wanted in a sketch with no comedy and plenty of awkward silence. It means the Cleveland Browns are an NFL horror show on offense. And of course, what would Halloween be without a list of scary players and entities in the National Football League. 

This year's Halloween brought a remarkable upset when the St. Louis Rams defeating the Saints 31-21. As the Rams were adding to their lead in the final four minutes of the 1st half, the Arizona Cardinals were leading Baltimore and the Miami Dolphins were in front of the Giants. The result: announcers and analysts (collectively known as The Pundits) went bonkers.

Let's hand it off to Fox's Chris Myers, who was calling the action in St. Louis: “The Cardinals are leading. Miami is leading the Giants. And the Cardinals lead the Rams! It's Halloween soon.”

The Cardinals lead the Rams, ay? There are so many ways to try and break down and interpret what Chris just said. Where to start? The (Arizona) Cardinals were leading the Ravens, nearly 25 years after leaving their home city of St. Louis. The current St. Louis team, the Rams, were leading the Saints. They weren't trailing the Saints or the Cardinals or anyone else. The current St. Louis Cardinals, fresh off the capture of their 11th World Series title, were in attendance to cheer on the Rams on Sunday (they might want to start showing up every week for the Rams sake). 

Screw it. You get the crazy picture. Let's give the microphone back to Myers.  

Myers: “The Saints defense staring at a 3rd and 20 so look out if you're Jay Feely.”

Jay Feely was busy kicking field goals for the Arizona Cardinals (who weren't leading the Rams) while the Saints defense forced a 3rd and 20 on the Rams and their quarterback, A.J. Feeley. As it turned out, the 3rd and 20 didn't scare A.J. Feeley, either. He helped the Rams grab a 10-0 lead after handing it off to Steven Jackson. 

At this point, we give the floor to Fox analyst Tim Ryan, who will try and come up with an explanation for the Rams' lead on the Saints: “You know what I say the NFL stands for: The National Fake You Out League!”

Come again?

"National Fake You Out League."


Tim Ryan just created a hip acronym for the kids to type on their mobile devices!

Just before we reached halftime, Curt Menefee put together a spooktacular halftime show teaser: “We'll have the scores and highlights from a haunting Week 8 in the NFL. Find out if Miami can do more than just scare the Giants. And can Indy end its frightful losing streak.”

And once we reached halftime, Terry Bradshaw improperly identified the manager of the St. Louis Cardinals (the baseball team, not the team now playing in Arizona or the team who was leading the Rams in the world of Chris Myers). Said Terry: “Tony Lasorda there. Congratulations St. Louis Cardinals!” 

Word of advice for Terry to keep the names correct in the future: Tony La Russa has never endorsed this. And Tommy Lasorda has never posed in pictures like this.

Crazy things start to happen when the Rams dominate the Saints on the eve of all Hallow's Eve. 


The league's own Web site made a special note of the Rams first victory of the season. 

Ramming it? You mean, Ram it? All you had to do was say the words ...



Match each member of the extended Ryan family by number to the letter which has the corresponding description that is MOST applicable. You have five minutes. Talk it out. Good luck.

A. Has publicly endorsed Advil for pain relief. 

B. Has been quoted numerous times in the Boston Globe.

C. Thinks he's a better coach than his brother.

D. Once said the word football three times in a five word sentence.

E. Once faked an orgasm at a diner with Billy Crystal.*

F. Often confused with Tracy Wolfson. 

G. Feet. 

H. Has the middle name Thomas.

* Bob Ryan was initially considered to play the part of Harry Burns but the role was eventually given to Crystal. 

Headlines that have to meet with the commissioner for clarification of rules ... 

Ndamukong Suh cracks whip while talking dirty with Goodell ...

Joe Vitt administers extra dose of vicodine to Sean Payton after defeat ... 

Source: Raiders set sights on Peter Warrick and Rudi Johnson ...

Harbaugh brothers dress up as Mario and Luigi for Halloween ...

Tebow opponents more embarrassed for Miami Dolphins ...

Devout followers anxiously await Tebow Resurrection ... 

Victim alleges Julian Edelman grope was 'scrappy' ...

Ryan Match Game Answers

1.G, 2.C, 3.F, 4.D, 5.H, 6.A, 7.E, 8.B

Pigskin Detention is written by Patrick Imig. Tweet him @patrickimig or email him at