It is the middle of July, and just as with school children, NFL summer vacation leaves athletes with way too much free time of their hands.
Whereas kids generally get bored and just end up watching SpongeBob reruns, NFL players have a bank account full of cash, which can lead to an equation ripe for police intervention.
Think “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” if the car he borrowed had four loaded automatic weapons in the trunk, a glove box full of coke and a prostitute riding shotgun.
While most NFL arrests are your standard D.U.I, assault, drug possession or gun charge, there are always those special few, so ridiculous, it allows some players to build a very strong defense towards pleading stupidity.
Here are the 10 dumbest NFL arrests in league history – so far.
10. Louis Murphy – Facing a stiff penalty. There are way too many jokes to be made here – add your best comment below.
Louis Murphy was arrested in 2011 for possession of Viagra without a prescription. The 23-year old was then also charged with resisting arrest – he probably didn’t want to appear soft ((Ba-Dum-Bump))
I can only imagine the type of drug dealer who peddles these pills. I’m picturing a shifty-eyed 84-year old named Murray with a cane and false teeth. Every customer gets a complementary hard candy with their illegal Viagra purchase and all drug deals must be scheduled around "Wheel of Fortune."
The label says if the drug is still “working” after 4-hours, you had better get yourself to a doctor. Let’s just say, you probably don’t want to look up and find yourself in jail when that happens.
9. Shaun Rogers – “Would you like to check your MAC-10 sir?”
Shaun Rogers at No. 9 should tell you just how dumb the players ahead of him had to be. In 2010, Mr. Rogers was arrested for trying to bring a gun onto a plane in his carry-on bag. While that in itself gets him early entry into the stupidity hall of fame, what gets his copper bust a prime spot near the entrance is the fact the gun was also loaded.
Who knows, maybe Rogers is very concerned the plot to “Die Hard 2” might break out at any moment, and he needs to be ready in case he has to step in to play the part of John McClane – although I’m not sure Mr. Rogers has the ability to shimmy his way through an air vent system anymore.
8. Kenyatta Jones – “Where is the bathroom? Oh well, I’m already here.”
We all knew nightclubs would find their way on to this list eventually, and Kenyatta Jones brings it with a bang – or maybe more appropriately, a splash.
In 2008, Jones was arrested at a Tampa Bay area club for trying to urinate on the dance floor. While urine probably isn’t the worst thing a black light might detect on your average club floor, you may understand why Jones was asked to leave.
After reholstering his weapon, Kenyatta added insult to injury when he, of course, had to resist arrest – he was an NFL player after all. Seeing where Jones ended up, it was probably a good thing he didn’t mind peeing in front of people.
7. Dion Lewis – Apparently he had a big Algebra final he forgot to study for.
Our next entry comes just last week when Philadelphia Eagles running back, Dion Lewis, was arrested for pulling a fire alarm at a Hampton Inn hotel in Albany, New York. Lewis and his brother came back to their hotel intoxicated and did not realize the lobby gets locked after midnight. The brain trust then decided it best to alert the staff of their situation by committing a felony.
The two were charged with falsely reporting a fire and may be forced to repeat the 7th
6. Onterrio Smith – “Sir, why is your bag vibrating?”
Who knows what a Whizzinator is? Don’t be embarrassed, I had to look it up too. Apparently this aptly named device allows players to dry their clean urine and then the Whizzinator returns it to a liquid for whatever reason a player might suddenly find himself in need of clean and liquid urine.
In 2005, Onterrio Smith found himself in such as situation as the former Minnesota Vikings’ running back was stopped at a Minneapolis airport while trying to transport dried urine and a Whizzinator through security.
Clearly Smith will not be the spokesman for this product as the Vikings released him after he failed his third drug test. Maybe we should all applaud Smith; at least he wasn’t trying to get his urine fix out on the street like your average pee bandit.
5. Cedric Benson’s B.W.I – it’s a real thing, look it up.
Bravo to Cedric Benson for trying not to be just another NFL statistic.
Any Tom, Dick or Justin Blackmon can get themselves arrested for driving a car while under the influence of alcohol, but it takes a real groundbreaking trendsetter to be arrested for boating while intoxicated.
After Benson took to the high seas in 2008, police conducted a routine inspection and found Benson unable to pass the “float test” – not making that up, it’s the aquatic equivalent of the field sobriety test for us landlocked lot.
My guess is he couldn’t spell “buoy” backwards – although I might first have to check on his ability to spell the word forwards.
To make matters worse, Benson resisted arrest and was then pepper sprayed by the police officers who were trying to subdue the former 4th
4. Jamarcus Russell – Arrest only slightly more embarrassing than his NFL career.
Jamarcus Russell has to be the healthiest man in America. What is his secret you ask? Drink cough syrup even when you don’t have a cough. The “Purple Drank” is comprised of sprite, jolly rancher candies and codeine cough syrup, which is classified as a narcotic pain medication and is illegal to have without a prescription.
Could cough syrup be the dumbest reason to get arrested? That would be like someone becoming addicted to Eggplant Parmesan because it naturally contains nicotine. Russell’s arrest was much like his playing career, almost too sad to be funny.
3. Eugene Robinson – Winner of the 1998 Irony Award.
After earning a trip to his first Pro Bowl and helping the Atlanta Falcons make their way to Super Bowl XXXIII, Eugene Robinson was honored again when he received the Bart Starr Award for being the player with high moral character. Later that same evening – you heard right – Eugene Robinson was arrested for solicitation when he attempted to pay an undercover cop posing as a prostitute to…”polish his trophy.”
Maybe Eugene misunderstood his award. Perhaps he thought he was receiving the honor for being the NFL’s “highest” character.
2. Sam Hurd – “Say hello to my very very stupid little friend”
When Sam Hurd signed a three-year, $5.15 million contract with the Chicago Bears in 2011, he set himself up nicely for the kind long-term financial security most players dream of, however, it appears Hurd was not willing to settle for being just your average millionaire; he wanted Scarface-type money. So how does one go about boosting their bank account to that of Pacinoian levels? Diversify.
Hurd was arrested for possession with intent to distribute after police busted him buying a kilo of cocaine. The government affidavit, issued in the Northern District of Texas on December 15, 2011, outlines serious allegations which paint Hurd as an aspiring drug kingpin who was establishing himself as a major distributors of illicit drugs.
The affidavit claims Hurd and his co-conspirators were distributing four kilos of cocaine per week throughout the Chicago area and were looking for a supplier to handle this type of weight.
It appears Hurd will now have to trade his orange Chicago Bears’ jersey for the orange jumpsuit of the United States Penal leagues.
1. Plaxico Burress – “Don’t just stand there, bust a…cap?”
“Damn it feels good to be a gangster,” and Plaxico Burress found out just how good it can feel in 2008. With his gat tucked elegantly in the front of his waistband, Plaxico Burress accidently shot himself in the thigh while at a nightclub in New York. Apparently, how to correctly apply the gun’s safety is not one of the lessons taught in gansta-school.
Aside from the bullet wound, Plax was sentenced to two years in prison for criminal possession of a handgun. I wanted to put a less obvious name in the No. 1 spot but no one else went to jail for accidently shooting themselves.