SUNDAY NFL COUNTDOWN PRESENTS: DITKA IS GOD
... a short play about retired diva receivers and Chris Berman's underwear ...
By Pat Imig
Cold, Hard Football Facts theater critic
When the Metrodome roof was sabotaged by 19 inches of snow, the ESPN NFL Countdown crew wondered what the change in date and geography would mean for the Giants and Vikings.
First, Tom Jackson offered the inevitable and obvious: "Let's talk about the biggest issue which is BrettFavre."
Super. An NFL arena nearly collapses, possibly throwing the season for two teams into chaos, and it's still all about BrettFavre.
Next, Keyshawn Johnson explains why moving the game to Detroit is real bad news for the Giants:
"When you travel, now you have to readjust you're family. They gotta figure out how to get to Detroit. Guys, you know, travel with maybe one pair of underwear, a T shirt, a pair of shorts ... now they gotta think about all those sorts of things on top of thinking about playing a football game. There are a lot of distractions with the New York Giants."
The idea that underwear would become the focal point for any player on the Giants is hard to fathom; so is the idea of someone bringing one pair of underwear for a weekend getaway which involves 60 minutes of football.
Keyshawn's wide receiver colleague Cris Carter has another worry for the Giants:
"I think the biggest problem is the amount of food you eat. When you play on Sunday afternoon, Friday you might eat a little junk food, you might eat some fried food. And then Saturday you got certain plane foods you might eat and then, what do you do Sunday? You still haven't worked out since Friday. I'm just telling you, you've got a lot of food in your bodies so it makes you sluggish. We're off of our regiment. We haven't worked out in three or four days, haven't broke a sweat. Now I believe the Giants traveling and the amount of food intake and not great food at the airport ..."
Uh, Cris, any one of the Giants players could have worked out on Saturday once they learned their game would be moved to Monday (even before the location change). More importantly, can anyone imagine Don Hutson, Raymond Berry or even Jerry Rice allowing their food intake or their underwear to distract them in the final hours leading up to a late season game?
Neither could COACH DITKA:
"I tell you what: I have no idea where you're going with that. The food??? How about the quarterback??? Who gives you the best chance to win the football game? That's all that matters. Play the guy (Tarvaris Jackson). This thing is getting so old it's getting sickening. You're kind of indicting Tarvaris Jackson by saying 'we can't play you, we can't win with you'. BULL! Play the guy and take your chances. The other guy can't play!"
Ladies and gentlemen, Ditka was The Man when he produced the greatest season ever by a tight end
in 1961 (as a rookie, no less). Coach Ditka was The Man when he fashionably led one of the most frightening teams in NFL history, the 1985 Bears, to the franchise's only Super Bowl victory.
Coach Ditka is still The Man today, a lonely voice of reason in the ESPN studio.
And Chris Berman is well, uh, Chris Berman. Here's how Boomer ruined the segment:
"Back to Key's point: they might not have enough underwear on. What'd you guys do in college? We turned it inside out; it was good for another week!"
To keep you from vomiting on your computer, let's just hand it off to DITKA again to get his thoughts on a completely different topic:
"Albert Haynesworth suffers from a disease called JDGI: JUST DOESN'T GET IT! He doesn't get it. If you're paid that kind of money, you shine shoes, you park cars, you do anything to justify making that kind of money!"
DITKA 2012! DITKA 2012!
The headlines that are as real as the skin on Jerry Jones' face ...
Metrodome tells BrettFavre to Eff himself
Jets win Super Bowl with loss to Miami according to Rex Ryan
Fantasy owner fires fantasy coach following embarrassing playoff loss
Aaron Rodgers consecutive games played streak in jeopardy
Dismembered Roethlisberger torso helps lead Steelers to victory