Cold, Hard Football Facts Exclusive

A mushroom cloud of controversy exploded over Veterans’ Memorial Stadium Thursday, just 48 hours before kickoff of the Quincy-North Quincy Alumni football game. 

The Cold, Hard Football Facts discovered that Quincy High School football legend Kerry J. Byrne, pictured here during one of his rigorous pre-game workouts, was left off the team roster that alumni coach Scott Campbell filed with league official Bob Bosworth at The Quincy Sun.

“That was no mistake,” said longtime Quincy High Presidents football analyst Jerry Perfetuo. “It was part of Campbell’s campaign of psychological warfare against Red Raiders Nation. It’s genius, like something right out of the Sun-Tzu playbook."

"I can't say that I blame Campbell," added Perfetuo. "You know what they say about North Quincy: two steps from Dorchester. One step from hell."

Sources likened Byrne’s absence from the roster to Bill Belichick’s campaign of misinformation with the New England Patriots of the National Football League. The coach routinely lists quarterback Tom Brady as injured, in an effort to disorient the unsuspecting enemy.

Byrne’s gridiron resume is impeccable. He was captain of the 1-7 Hough’s Neck Manets of the Quincy Youth Football League back in 1984, with fellow QHS alumni teammate Scott Logan.

He went on to a sterling career as an offensive lineman with the 0-9-1 Quincy High Presidents of 1987, allowing school TD pass leader Chris Noble to be sacked a Bay State-record 237 times that season.

"I don't know how Noble survived the massacre," said football analyst Patti Myers, formerly of the Quincy Patriot Ledger.

As a coach, Byrne later invented the counter-trey offense, outlining his genius for Campbell on a barroom napkin one night at Cronin's Publick House. The formation powered the Quincy High freshman football team to a 36-0 win over North Quincy in 1994.

"We wept that day, for there was no more football knowledge to be learned," said storied Turkey Day legend Steve Wiltshire.

The rangy QHS alumni end later told reporters that he never would have made the game-saving tackle in the 1996 Quincy-North Quincy game, and lose his virginity the following night, and that his life would have been hopelessly devoid of meaning, if not for the gridiron wisdom he absorbed that day.

Byrne rose to infamy when he ripped the doors off the walls of the bathroom stalls in the QHS locker room before the game, inspiring Wiltshire and the frosh squad to dizzying heights of victory. 

“Imagine Sean Glennon, Chooch Halpin and their beleaguered old Red Raiders alumni, battered all day by Joe Cardarelli, Robbie Kane and Mark Bogan. And then Coach Campbell sends Byrne out on the field,” said one source.

“It will be like Truman, another famous President, dropping Fat Man on the Japs back in ’45. Game over, Hirohito.”