NFL White Elephant: The Top 10 Gag Gifts Of 2012
December 05, 2012 10:43 am
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10. Brian Baldinger’s right hand
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How can you ruin an otherwise glorious hour spent breaking down upcoming game plans? Just keep flashing that mangled mitt in front of the touch screen Baldinger…
“So you have the index finger right here, the middle finger right here and the ring finger right here, all run go routes right there. The pinky finger right here runs a 10-and-out right there. The quarterback pump fakes long right here, checks down to the pinky right here to get the first down right there. Back to you Sterling…”
A White Elephant gift exchange—also known as a Yankee Swap, Dirty Santa, Grinch Exchange, Chinese Grab Bag, etc.—is based on the Thai expression for something perceived to be valuable that ends up costing more than it is worth. You might open a box with winning lotto tickets or you might open a box full of tchotchke crap.
We all know the “Fail Mary” call that ended the replacement refs forgettable run, but the return of the regular refs was such a Trojan Horse it was far too obvious to make this list.
Beware: I think I hear something scratching in that 80-inch flat screen box...
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Aw crap that slipped my mind.
Honorable Mention: Positive drug tests.
Since the new collective bargaining agreement bars the league from reporting what substance players tested positive for when they fail drug tests, Adderall is suddenly the reported drug of choice.
Richard Sherman: “Yo Brandon, what did you get popped for?”
Brandon Browner: "I dunno dude, purple drank? Andro cream? Industrial glue? Some of my ol’ lady’s Midol? That was a crazy party dude…"
Richard Sherman: “Yeah. Aqib told me to just say it was Adderall, accept the suspension and then get traded to a team that actually has a shot to win it all.”
Brandon Browner: sniff “You had me at ‘Aqib’ bro. You had me at ‘Aqib.’”
Now that's more like it. Hey, Aqib is just a victim too.