Stripped of my sanity and right mind following a 51-0 rotten tomato against UCLA (or so it felt like), I called an audible last night and trekked through the regrettable cold with my Clubhouse crewmate Senor Piss-Piss - not to crash the first Sunday morning tailgate we'd find along the east coast...but to pay $10.50 and get The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 over and done with.
It was a slugfest. I was drunk and unruly from half a bag of stale candy corn. Kristen Stewart should have been benched seasons ago. Her halfback looked scarier than Marshawn Lynch. Taylor "Rob Gronkowski" Lautner got nude, even though he promised he wouldn't do that anymore.
Ironically, the game sprung to life in the fourth quarter...only for the momentum to deflate in the waning seconds. I begged for the replacement refs. I was in the minority, and the field moistened from pathetic precipitation.
Then I was certain that my 1993 Chrysler New Yorker "Adrian" had become a sparkling vampire, but it just so happens that I left my lights on for two hours. I still drove home pumped and guiltily unapologetic.
We are forever imprisoned by the highs and lows of popular culture, and the genre of sports is an undeniably active participant. Technology and entertainment are growing together every day. Jason Garrett hosts The Notebook themed pajama parties surrounding the Jumbotron in place of weekly practices, and that should be enough evidence.
So, let's go to the movies, see the stars, and pick the flicks:
Last Week: 8-5-1 - We're all waiting for the tie-breaking penalty kicks, because the clock is still ticking after that illegal formation call...Bend It Like David Akers.
Hotel Transylvania: Bills over Dolphins (This TNF) -The animated short before the featured films reeled in a 1-0 start to my week, but how many people actually went out of their way to see it?
Breaking Dawn: Patriots over Colts (Game of the Week = 4-6) - Tom "Edward Cullen" Brady's forseeable chewing out of Andrew "Dakota Fanning" Luck will temporarily turn New England doubts and considerably conclude a celebrated chapter of this rivalry, uncomfortably leaving audiences both relieved and disappointed.
Flight: Saints over Raiders ([Would-Be] Survival Pick = 7-3) -The suddenly inspirational liftoff of a Who Dat Nation piloted by Drew "Denzel Washington" Brees will indeed fly in Oakland towards a .500 record, but their defense can only resist Bounty relapses for so long.
Wreck-It Ralph: Chargers over Broncos (Upset Special = 5-5) -Philip Rivers is already tired of being the villain thwarted by Fix-It Peyton, and with A LOT of Disney magic, San Diego can avenge the worst collapse in Monday Night Football history earlier this year; I'm optimistic that Norv Turner and A.J. Smith will untangle themselves...please be better than Tangled.
Cloud Atlas: Falcons over Cardinals -The premise appeared to be underrated, but in regards to Atlanta's undefeated karma finally running out, and Arizona's five-game fall from an inciting 4-0 start to Kolb Mania, perhaps it won't be missed.
Argo: Cowboys over Browns -What better venue for Jerry "Ben Affleck" Jones to deploy his film crew of refugees than Dallas...Cleveland should be taken more seriously, though.
Citadel: Bengals over Chiefs -The true horror of this cinematically inferior matchup is how I picked Kansas City to win the AFC West, so Cincinnati should avoid the agoraphobia and continue their second-half comeback.
Here Comes the Boom: Buccaneers over Panthers -EXT. supposedly successful-looking sports movie - Cam Newton has been moonlighting as Sad Panda in the locker room at night, and daylighting as Kevin James in shoulder pads.
Fun Size/The Perks of Being a Wallflower: Jets over Rams -Hopefully, these are the kinds of PG-12 chick flicks celebrated backup virgin Tim Tebow can invest himself in, while disturbed St. Louis players have been grounded by their mums for sickeningly sparkly attack plots and missing overtime field goals.
Silver Linings Playbook: Eagles over Redskins -Just as Jennifer Lawrence extends an olive branch to struggling Philadelphia fan Bradley Cooper, rookie Nick Foles will rescue their 2012 campaign...at least in the face of Washington's defense.
Anna Karenina: Packers over Lions -Somehow comparable to the reputable reunion of Keira Knightley and director Joe Wright in this rehased Russian classic (with cameos Megatron and Optimus Prime), Green Bay leads the series 20-4 since 2000, so don't mess with it, I guess.
Taken 2/Paranormal Activity 4: Texans over Jaguars -Houston already dominated Jacksonville 27-7 back in Week 2, and more often than not, sequels should never be made to begin with.
Skyfall: Ravens over Steelers (SNF) -The rust of this AFC North operation has been exposed by age, injuries, and Ben "007" Roethisberger's rogue mission to sacrifice his ribs for the sake of the upcoming birth of his child, and yet we'll still enjoy ourselves a James Bond thriller.
Lincoln: Bears over 49ers (MNF) -This is exactly why Chicago prioritized the signing of a reserve quarterback this past offseason, as Jason "Daniel Day Lewis" Campbell (admittedly, some of these might not be working) brings his team tested triumph in the final months of their term.
Get your popcorn ready!