Extinguish the angry-mob stovetop flames and forget for a microwavable second that Golden Tate pushed off of Sam "NFL" Shields and stole the sport's credible branding away from the Green Bay Packers.
Mute the debate of whether the blame lies with the inopportune substitutes (even though it's still their job) or all parties involved in the referee lockout (Roger Goodell looks like my ex-stepfather).
Don't cancel your Time Warner Cable just yet - call one of your erroneously awarded timeouts and smell the apple pie...
...Joe McKnight is the Jets' replacement cornerback.
In other news, the referees have been exasperatedly reinstated. Yes, the league's mortgage has been paid off, and the refs have come home!
Home. It's the sweet haven where E.T. phoned, Dorothy claimed there's no place like, and Chance and company were Bound.
It's where teams in this rapidly aged 2012 season are collectively 31-17 thus far, and where franchises such as the Seattle Seahawks and Baltimore Ravens have benefited from questionable fouls and controversial results, thanks in part to the crowds' influence on these temporary babysitters. There is an easy advantage when all else fails.
Most importantly, as the lockout has been lifted (pending an ensuing vote but implemented immediately), it is where the rusty refs we've loved to hate anyway have finally revisited us from their prolonged fishing trips.
It's a lot to take in on the morning of Week Four, and now the kettle corn you were making for Thursday Night Football has burned in your neglect.
So how happy can we possibly be, and how will the aftermath affect the players and coaches on either side of the "@" symbol, regardless of which zebras are in attendance?
After all, Denny Hamlin was able to call his shot at New Hampshire this past Sunday...and the moment when we reference NASCAR signals a new low for football. Let's regroup and uphold our curfew:
Last week: 7-9 - Live, laugh, and love, right?
TNF: Ravens over Browns - Cleveland keeps it surprisingly close in Beautiful Boisterous Baltimore, until Gene Steratore overturns a late Greg Little touchdown.
Game of the Week (1-2): Packers over Saints - A combined 1-5, a matchup hasn't been coated with so much desperation in recent memory, but it's in Lambeau...
[Would-Be] Survival Pick (2-1): Bengals over Jaguars - That San Jose Sharks hat was hard to swallow, and Andy Dalton will light Jacksonville's lack of home field advantage on fire.
Upset Special (2-1): Rams over Seahawks - Between Russell Wilson's steadily growing head and the underrated division parity, the 12th Man couldn't fit on the flight to Great Brit...St. Louis.
Others: Falcons over Panthers - As imperative as it is for Cam "Hello Kitty" Newton to redeem himself, he threw three interceptions in the Puppy Pound a year ago.
Patriots over Bills - Buffalo's wing sauce has nothing on the ordained explosion coming from Bill Belichick and Tom Brady.
Vikings over Lions - The Madden Curse has officially refracted onto Matthew Stafford, and Christian Ponder and those homeless pillagers will look to set up an unprecedented 3-1 camp.
Chiefs over Chargers - Jamaal Charles and Kansas City will be bringing newfound momentum to the Arrowhead potluck, while San Diego serves a strawberry short-lived-September-success cake.
49ers over Jets - Mark Sanchez throws four picks in the Meadowlands: three to the bounce-back San Francisco secondary, and one to McKnight that is contentiously sustained.
Texans over Titans - Everyone in Reliant Stadium will gladly lend an ear to Matt Schaub in exchange for an undefeated first-quarter start.
Cardinals over Dolphins - Give me Arizona's defense, reserve Ryan Williams over reserve Daniel Thomas, and Kevin Kolb over (believe it or not) Skelton Mania in the Phoenix humidity.
Broncos over Raiders - Which vicious hit of the decade - Ryan Mundy on Darrius Heyward-Bey or Joe Mays on Schaub - was ramified more justifiably...I hope Ed Hochuli is in Mile High...
Buccaneers over Redskins - If RG3 was irked by Cortland Finnegan, then he'll go hog wild when Greg Schiano causes the victory-swinging formation fumble in a fully supportive Tampa Bay.
SNF: Giants over Eagles - Ahmad Bradshaw or Andre Brown, Michael Vick or Nick Foles, and first-or-second-string anyone - there is no home field advantage in this rivalry, or for the New York road warriors in general.
MNF: Cowboys over Bears - Of course the next Monday Night Football game is in Dallas, where Jerry Jones will be renting out the circus, featuring the zebra race in its entirety.
No matter what, the NFL is where my emotionally abused heart is.