Welcome to this week's NFL awards, where, as always, we celebrate the best and worst in the week that was in the NFL, with a flare that only we can provide.
And away we go...
The "record breaker" award goes to Drew Brees
It seems this award was made specifically for Brees, as he has won it more than anyone else, but that often happens when you threaten a different NFL record every week, as he often does.
This week, it just so happened to be the record for most consecutive games with a touchdown pass that was once held by Johnny Unitas.
But the best thing that happened to Brees this week? He & his Saints teammates finally found the win column against the Chargers, because no one wants to live in a town where you have absolutely no hope of winning...
The "Cleveland doesn't rock" award goes to the Cleveland Browns
And then there are those that live in Cleveland, where the Browns not only reside as the NFL's only win-less team, but are sitting on an 11-game losing streak that dates back to a November 20, 2011 win over the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Thanks to our little play on words, though, we were able to get Drew Carey, who's show had a theme song called "Cleveland Rocks" back in the day, to present the award, and he presented the Browns fans with two other things to take their mind off their present situation: dirty jokes & beer.
The "Just End The Season" award goes to the New York Jets
Of course, if you live in the greater New York area these days, and aren't a fan of the GOOD team in the area, you might think it's time to "Just End The Season" already.
And, though we were met with some resistance about presenting this award to the Jets, since they almost pulled off the upset over Houston on Monday Night and all, we eventually agreed to present it the Jets' biggest fan, Fireman Ed, who, a little confused, saw the capitalized "J-E-T-S" on the award and tried to rally the troops. But like always, the attempt at a rally fell short, and Ed was injured in the process, joining most of the good players on his team on the injured list.
The "fantasy beast of the week" award goes to Marques Colston
And, in keeping with the theme of this award (whether a certain fake awards show host likes it or not), it goes to someone else who wasn't on my team this past week. But nevertheless, Colston was good for 31 points this week, and while a large part of that was due to his quarterback having such a good game, he even managed to out-duel his quarterback by three points in the end.
But while we're on the subject of fantasy football, don't cry for me Argentina (or anyone else for that matter), because I do happen to be 4-1 in my league. Now that that completely out-of-character horn-blowing is out of the way (stop laughing. I can hear you), let's continue...
The "many happy returns" award goes to the Chicago Bears defense
Because they led the league (as well as the free world, come to think of it), in defensive touchdowns this year. And even though it's not the Christmas season yet (though we here at the NFL awards have exclusively learned that it will be soon), the Bears' D has turned into the gift that keeps on giving for their fans.
The award was presented to Bears defenders Charles Tillman and Lance Briggs, who became the first pair of teammates to return interceptions for scores in back-to-back games, by NASCAR racer/professional hot woman/Bears fan Danica Patrick, who makes her first appearance at the NFL awards, and as long as the Bears keep winning, there's a pretty good chance she'll be making "many happy returns" to our stage, too.
The "SOB's of the week" award goes to the Kansas City Chiefs fans
Look, all of us here at the NFL awards think that fans have a right to boo their own guys if they think it's warranted. After all, they pay good money to get into those games, particularly if they own season tickets.
But it's never OK to cheer for a guy being injured, especially IF IT'S YOUR OWN GUY. But that didn't stop Chiefs fans from cheering when Matt Cassel sustained a concussion in their loss to the Ravens on Sunday.
And after the game, they were rightly chastised by Chiefs' offensive tackle Eric Winston, who we elected to give this award to, because, let's face it, the fans in KC don't deserve any hardware for their "efforts" in that display.
The "coming out party" award goes to Andrew Luck
It was a big win for the Colts over the Packers in Indy on Sunday for obvious reasons (some of which we'll get to later), but it was the rookie quarterback who may have made the most lasting impact of all of them.
Every quarterback that ever accounts for anything in the league always has one game they can point to as their "coming-out party", so to speak, and Luck leading the Colts to such an emotional win definitely qualifies as his moment. Some might make the argument that it was destined to go that way for the Colts, based on the real-life circumstances that surrounded it (which again, we will get to later), but to out-duel a former MVP under any circumstances is big for a rookie such as Luck.
The "double your fun" award goes to the Atlanta Falcons and Houston Texans
It's that time of the year again where we here at the NFL awards start grasping for straws to come up with clever puns for the few remaining unbeaten teams that are left at this point in the season. And since there's normally just one, you can imagine how tough it is to come up with names for these things when there's still two.
At any rate, since the Falcons and Texans are still both undefeated at 5-0, Matt Ryan and Matt Schaub accepted this award on behalf of their teams, but because they seem to be nice guys and lack the "arrogant" gene many NFL players possess, they refrained from making any plans to see each other in February, at least for the moment.
The "call me, maybe" award goes to Terrell Owens
This is a sad, sad moment, because despite resisting the urge to jump on the Carly Rae Jepsen song's bandwagon on parodies for so long, we here at the NFL awards have given into it. And it's all because of TO and his shameless pandering (some would say begging) to the Jets to give him a call during the Jets' Monday night game.
As for Owens, well, he has managed to do something no one has been able to do except for Brett Favre, and that's win an NFL award as a non-active NFL player. Now if we could only get that song out of our head...
The "Chuckstrong" award goes to Chuck Pagano
Full disclosure time: I lost my mom to cancer five years ago. Cancer sucks. We can all agree on that. So, it shouldn't come as any surprise that the entire NFL community rallied around the Colts' coach last week when it was announced that he was battling leukemia.
And then when the Colts rose up (led by Luck and by wide receiver Reggie Wayne), and beat the Packers at Lucas Oil Stadium, it was one of those sports moments that doesn't leave a dry eye in the house.
And with good reason. So, we end the show this week the only way we should: presenting this award to Pagano. Accepting on his behalf was Wayne, who promised to deliver it to his fallen coach much like the game ball was from Sunday's game. Well done, Indy. Well done.
We're done here for this week. Back next week for more of the little awards show that can.