Greetings and salutations friends, your resident wise guy is back with the usual snark and flair you're all used to, no more of that being thankful crap. LAME.
Now that we're back to regular programming, I'm ready to make fun off the usual idiots that populate the NFL.
I am disappointed that there seem to be very few arrests so far this season. I don't think Jerramy Stevens counts (either of his arrests) and Braylon Edwards has been suspiciously quiet so I haven't had as many knuckleheads to rag on as usual. Maybe next week!
Let's get on with the picks.
Season record: 107-68-2
New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons
Thursday night dome shootout and a Saints win. Book it!
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Buffalo Bills
Coming to Los Angeles soon: one of these teams!
Seattle Seahawks @ Chicago Bears
You know why the Seahawks' secondary is so big? 'Roids. Mystery solved.
Indianapolis Colts @ Detroit Lions
This should be a typical Lions' game this year: Stafford and company stumble around for three quarters before chalking up some meaningless yardage and a few late scores to make the game look somewhat competitive while my frat brother Andy complains about the referees costing the Lions on Facebook for three straight hours.
Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers
I've been waiting for several years for another Antonio Freeman shoulder catch. Get on it, Jordy Nelson.
Carolina Panthers @ Kansas City Chiefs
Cam Newton was the inspiration for Yello's "Oh Yeah".
New England Patriots @ Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins are always good for one titanic upset of the Patriots per year. Except this year. And that time they went undefeated.
Arizona Cardinals @ New York Jets
Two teams with two head coaches and about five quarterbacks that might not have a job next year. I'm hoping for lots of "butt fumble" type shenanigans from this game. Side note: there are no winners in this game.
San Francisco 49ers @ St. Louis Rams
God, I hope they tie again.
Houston Texans @ Tennessee Titans
This is the game the Texans' defense gets back to humiliating opposing quarterbacks.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Denver Broncos
Another "book it" game: this will be the game that starts a hot stretch and secures Peyton Manning an improbable MVP award.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens
How many turnovers could the Ravens coax out of the Steelers if Charlie Batch is forced to play again? 30? 30.
Cleveland Browns @ Oakland Raiders
I feel like there's a joke here about the "Browns" and the "Black Hole" but let's just let Lester do his thing.
Cincinnati Bengals @ San Diego Chargers
If Marvin Lewis and Norv Turner were to switch sidelines at halftime, would their owners even notice?
Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys
Can we flex this garbage off prime time television and play this game Friday morning at 7AM when no one is looking?
New York Giants @ Washington Redskins
Just when I thought the four-letter network was trying to harass me into never watching Monday Night Football again they go and do something like this…and totally redeem themselves!