Something tells me that Link Hogthrob and his Scandanavian clan of Muppet pigs could finish a season in the NFL with at least a 4-12 record, topping the Minnesota Vikings' 3-13 mark from last year.
Despite several bright hues along the way (from Fran Tarkenton to Adrian Peterson), the Purple People Eaters of the NFC North are a figurehead upon the league's Mount Rushmore of Ineptness, thanks to both their failure to secure hardware - they're 0-4 in Super Bowl appearances - and a Lucky Charms box full of Draft-Day miscues, party boats and Randy Moss full moons.
By the end of 2010, the Vikings were juggling the collapses of the Metrodome's roof and Brett Favre's career, and it appeared evident that the franchise was seeking a well-need culture change. Real estate agents were directing them to the one and only Los Angeles, the football-deprived capital of the entertainment industry.
So how come Jared Allen's many hairstyles have yet to hit a Chinese Theatre near you?
It turned out that Minnesota's submission for a new stadium would be approved, and Zygi Wilf does not wish to hoist anchor and set sails just yet...or is that copyright infringement at the expense of the Buccaneers?
Regardless, the recent whim to take talents to Laguna Beach should not be ignored by either party. While Minnesota doesn't look ready to seriously compete at any point in the near future, Los Angeles is desperate for a team they can call their own, and who knows - the fresh polluted air could do the Vikings some good.
Assuming that David Letterman makes the coastal jump along with us, here are 10 reasons why the Minnesota Vikings should relocate to Los Angeles:
10. The Oakland Raiders delivered them their fourth Super Bowl loss, moved to Los Angeles, and then bailed.
This didn't happen in a seven-day span, so let's call on Instant Replay. Super Bowl XI in 1977 wasn't a close contest by any means, as Coach John Madden orchestrated a 32-14 booming of business on his Rookie setting. Silver and Black would become the Los Angeles Raiders five years later and maintain relative success, only to reestablish one of the NFL's most noteworthy fan bases of today...back in Oakland, in 1994.
A virtual Vikings replacement would be an odd form of revenge at best, but Hollywood is grasping at dead space for original storylines right now.
Keep in mind that the Raiders AND St. Louis/Liverpool Rams played their final respective games for the city on Christmas Eve. They abandoned a homeless community during the holidays! The Vikings, for one, absolutely adore Christmas - any excuse to rent out the Mall of America with the Rolling Stones.
9. Los Angeles is better than Minneapolis.
To be fair, Minneapolis is assuredly a lovely place to live, and actually a more prominent outlet for Theatre than Los Angeles. However, aside from attaining a Championship, Christian Ponder has to be aspiring for "Remember the Vikings" and not Broadway's "Lombardi", or else his goals aren't sufficient enough and he shouldn't be their starting quarterback.
You'll be hard-pressed to find too many athletically-driven children searching for fame and fortune 385 miles away from Winnipeg, Canada.
8. The Lakers did it.
Before Magic Johnson and Kobe Bryant, the Lakers won five of their 17 titles in Minneapolis. Financial struggles drove them away in 1960 - around the same time the Minnesota Vikings were instated as an NFL expansion team - and they took the state's nickname with them.
Of course, the spawns of Lake Erie hardly skipped a beat, failing to reach the postseason only four times since as they arguably became the NBA's most renowned franchise. Who's to say the Vikings cannot dig up their own gold by following in the footsteps of Jerry West and Elgin Baylor?
We wouldn't have "Kazaam" otherwise.
7. They're purple.
The Vikings might as well go all-in in their copycatting of the Lakers. If Ron Artest feels inclined to change his name to Metta World Peace, then sign just-released Chad Ochocinco to a two-year contract and pillage the Staples Center. If one group of violet-colored men can thrive in L.A. without a batted eyelash, doubling up shouldn't make too much of a difference.
As societal stereotypes slowly continue to evolve, we must accept the fact that purple works better in certain commonwealths rather than others, for the time being. Just ask Barney what happened to him during an organized visit to the Philadelphia Eagles' OTAs.
6. Farmers Field will be more appealing than Vikings Stadium by 2016.
The two furnished sports venues are scheduled to be ready for kickoff of the 2016-17 season, giving Wilf and the Vikings enough time to reconsider their decision to stay put. Another option to choose from out of sunny [and sometimes windy and rainy...] California will prove to be a more desirable Super Bowl site than Minnesota's alleged retractable roof. Moreover, it's set to be built in the heart of Downtown, encircled by ESPN Zone and all of the amenities L.A. Live has to offer!
The Lions can use the new Vikings Stadium once they're finally run out of Detroit.
5. It's closer to the coast.
"Boat Party Scandal: Pacific Ocean"...that's all the way up there with "90210" and "Keeping Up With The Kardashians".
4. They will join the NFC West.
The San Francisco 49ers appear to have a stranglehold on the division (and quite possibly the state), while the Arizona Cardinals and Seattle Seahawks have only taken minor steps towards closing that gap. No matter what potential transformation the Vikings' bleak future holds, it will be exceedingly more difficult to climb out of the NFC North cellar, since the powerhouse Packers and Bears aren't going anywhere soon.
Also, the 49ers would be given a new in-state rival with less ensuing hospital bills, and Detroit can capture the St. Louis Rams as hostage for...they can think of something. The puzzle pieces will always fit so long as you persistently punch the table.
Every sporting goods store features the apparel of the local favorites and a few of the nationally acclaimed. Along with the Dallas Cowboys, the Minnesota Vikings are truly not worthy of said distinction. The only reason tourists should already be sold Percy Harvin jerseys on Hollywood Boulevard is if the Vikings were local favorites, which they just might be.
2. Los Angeles deserves the NFL.
The Kings are one victory away from claiming the Stanley Cup. The Dodgers own the best record in baseball through the beginning of June. The Clippers finally present the ingredients of a "legit" threat to the Lakers.
All this city is missing is representation of the country's most beloved sport.
Los Angeles has been heartbroken before and patient for decades, and although the entire Trojan populace will beg to differ, 50-0 brutalizations of UCLA can only sustain the masses for so long. If the Vikings are the team closest to ultimately satisfying Los Angeles' lone selfish American Dream, then by all means seize the opportunity.
1. They are Vikings!
Seriously, what in the world happened to the days of Leif Ericson and the Old Norse and what have you?! Epcot has dedicated an attraction to you guys! You want something? Take it!
Believe me, Minnesota Vikings - Los Angeles wants you as a new recruit.