It has been a long time coming, but yes, I finally own the Chicago Bears. I simply could not stand idly by as the old front office continued to take championship-caliber teams and lead them straight into mediocrity. I really had no other option but to take out 75 2nd mortgages on my house and become the Chicago Bears' much needed new owner.


Rule No. 1: No Fraternizing With Kardashians.

Jay Cutler was engaged to his reality TV girlfriend before I took over, so he has to be grandfathered in, but as of this moment, players are forbidden from dating anyone who is famous for no reason.

Like an out of control tornado…with a giant ass…Kim Kardashian has run roughshod through professional sports. Is there really any coincidence that Reggie Bush and Miles Austin had their best seasons when they were unshackled from her? My PR department does not need to be doing damage control whenever her next inevitable sex tape surfaces. Let the Green Bay Packers deal with her stalking B.J. Raji, that won’t happen with the Bears.

This is a dangerous time to be a professional athlete. I believe there is still one Kardashian who has yet to cross a professional sport star off of her “to-do” list (pun very much intended). The restraining orders are being filed as I speak.

We Will Be Drafting Nothing But Wide Receivers and Offensive Linemen For the Foreseeable Future.

We have the quarterback, the running back, the defense, the special teams, but the two biggest holes in our lineup are ones which the old front office continually ignored.

My promise to the Chicago fans is that our running back will no longer be our leading receiver. Forte is explosive catching the ball, and he will continue to do so, but we will have wide receiver playmakers. Sorry Roy Williams, your locker has already been cleared out and your personal effects have been sent via FedEx’s economy ground shipping to your last known address.

We will be drafting a wide receiver in the first round of this year’s Draft. Either Alshon Jeffery or Michael Floyd will be a Chicago Bear next season – that is a guarantee. And in free agency, expect us to go very aggressively after Dwayne Bowe, Vincent Jackson or Mike Wallace. Jay Cutler throws one of the best deep balls in the NFL, it’s about time we get him someone who can go catch them.

Matt Forte’s Driveway Should Make Way For The Brink's Truck Backing Up.

No more cheap ownership for the new Chicago Bears. The Windy City is the 3rd biggest market in the United States and we are now going to start spending money like we know we are. I heard the offers the old front office was giving Forte – disrespectful. Matt Forte is going to get a long-term deal from us, and he is going to get it immediately. Before he was injured last year due to carrying the rest of the team on his back, Forte was accounting for roughly 46% of our offensive output. And despite his having outplayed his old contract, there was no Chris Johnson-like holdout. Forte deserves the money and he will get it here in Chicago.

I Bought A Paper Shredder for The 7-Step Drop Portion of the Playbook.

Luckily Mike Martz already left before I got here – it saved me the trouble of having to fill out a pink slip…and then staple it to his forehead.

In just over one and a half seasons with Martz as his offensive coordinator, Jay Cutler was sacked 75 times. While Martz doesn’t get all of the blame, his refusal to run the ball enough and his desire to continually call for the slow developing pass plays is one of the biggest reasons Cutler spent so much time on the Soldier Field dirt. My next offensive coordinator will be one who understands our personnel and calls plays which fits our strengths, as opposed to his massive ego.

Lovie Smith Has One Year To Make It Happen

I have never been a fan of Lovie Smith. That is probably not the best news for him to hear from his new boss, but it’s the truth. Smith will have this season as the head coach, but if Jon Gruden or Bill Cowher shows any interest in the job, it’s theirs. What I have seen from Lovie over the last few years has not garnered much confidence. His time management is terrible and he does not appear to have the ability to reign in his other coaches when necessary. He is lucky I was not here for the game he called a timeout then challenged the play only to lose it, costing us our last two timeouts of the game in roughly 30 seconds. He’d have been thumbing it down Lake Shore Dr. that afternoon if it were up to me.

Renovate The Stadium Renovation

Soldier Field was once a proud monument nestled just off the coast of Lake Michigan. Its trademark fascia with stone columns displayed the type of architecture Chicago is known for, and that which is rarely seen in the cookie-cutter soulless designs of newer sports stadiums. So when it came time for much needed renovations to Solider Field, was the old-fashioned look taken into account? No. Instead the brilliant people at Eye-Sore Inc. decided to simple scoop out the insides and replace it with a futuristic looking shell.

As many people have described, Solider Field now looks like aliens landed their spaceship inside the coliseum. The new renovations do not need to be extensive, just change the look of the exposed alien craft to better blend together with the Greco-Roman style façade.