Wisconsinites and football lovers alike went to sleep Monday evening having to digest these curdled Zebra Cheesecakes mass-produced by Roger "Little Debbie" Goodell.
They woke up Tuesday morning to Golden Tate pushing off of their kidneys and mustering to grab hold of their gallbladders...and the referees awarded him a touchdown from under the bed.
The Seattle Seahawks edged the Green Bay Packers 14-12 on Monday Night Football in "exciting" fashion with a 24-yard fourth-down touchdown pass as time expired, but it was the replacement officials who pulled off the looming upset on national television.
The men in stripes missed an offensive pass interference (as opposed to the ghosts they've been hunting all season) as Tate shoved Sam Shields in the back. Their signals then blatantly contradicted one another at first, but after mandated review M.D. Jennings was ultimately robbed of an interception by decree of simultaneous possession in CenturyLink Field.
Yes, Seattle's home field advantage has never been more impactful, and the NFL has never been more disgraceful. This zoo is not only exploiting sickly deformed zebras to children during the day, but keepers are allowing them to escape their open enclosures at night.
Football has fallen from its pedestal. We cannot cherish, appreciate, or even effectively discuss it as of today.
We should instead be highlighting Baltimore's game-winning drive from Sunday night, with Joe Flacco's ascent to the elite waiting room, Torrey Smith's inspiring performance after the loss of his younger brother, and the Ravens' revenge over the defending AFC champion New England Patriots.
Of course, those developments were also smudged by debatable penalties and a controversial Justin Tucker field goal (which DID manage to catch the inside corner of the left upright).
We should instead be unearthing the remnants of Minnesota's stout defeat of San Francisco, who were granted two superfluous timeouts - to no avail, but still.
We should instead be valuing the Sebastian Janikowski's last-second boot against Pittsburgh, with Darrius Heyward-Bey being left to fend for himself like a baby gazelle.
We should instead be marveling over Kansas City erasing an 18-point deficit in New Orleans, Nick Folk saving Mark Sanchez for one more week, and a plethora of overtime triumphs...but we're all too ill to remember that far back.
We should AT LEAST be talking about Russell Wilson's rookie poise teamed with Seattle's enterprising defense and their eight first-half sacks, followed by Aaron Rodgers second-half MVP comeback as Green Bay stole a 12-7 lead with 8:44 remaining.
Instead, we are ingesting box after box of simethicone and painkillers, and therefore are too befuddled to speak.
What makes it considerably worse is how surprisingly efficient...eh, adequate...um, acceptable the officiating was for the majority of the contest. The regulars have definitely been found guilty of tightly calling games of their own with sprinkles of human error here and there, but then Monday night spiraled out of control.
On a primetime stage, fans, experts, and franchises were so close to believing that the chewed Skittle adhesive could maintain itself through this impeding referee strike, but that's certainly not rainbow that people are tasting.
Jennings should've knocked the ball down in the end zone, or Rodgers should've converted the two-point conversion (which would have forced the Packers back onto the field for the sour extra-point attempt anyway, but then there's at least an overtime to play), or Green Bay should've scored in the first half...it is what it is?
No. Between the overlooked offensive penalty for the sake of "letting them play" in the midst of a jump Hail Mary, poor judgment in regards to Tate's supposed control of the supposed reception, and the referees' lack of conviction throughout, this lactose is intolerable.
All things considered, it's actually a shock that Clay Matthews wasn't flagged for roughing the passer a millisecond after Wilson's release of the football out of the scramble. The collegiate journeyman quarterback out of NC State, Wisconsin (ironically enough), and the Colorado Rockies possesses more luck than that Andrew kid of the Indianapolis Colts.
Wilson (10-of-21 for 130 yards and 2 touchdowns) was previously 1-of-5 (a 22-yard completion to Sidney Rice) on the victorious drive that originated at the Green Bay 46 with 46 ticks left on the clock.
Had Pete Carroll - and suddenly this all makes much more sense after realizing he's the head coach - retained one more timeout in his pocket, they would have handed it off to Marshawn Lynch on first down for the 46-yard earthquake of a rushing touchdown, and this debacle (or just its magnitude) is postponed until future notice.
The refs probably would've gift-wrapped an extra timeout and tossed in a 5-11 free ride to the postseason if the Seahawks asked nicely. Mike McCarthy should get in on that, as well.
Games have been determined or concluded by "hullabaloo" before, and even in lighter circumstances this would be a healthier debate that only perpetuates our passion and affection for this sport.
You'd have to invent a different word, however, for this travesty. It definitely isn't "victory", but sadly it's the best we've got.