By Jonathan Comey
Cold, Hard Football Facts monkey tamer
While Bonzo the Idiot Monkey has proven to be little help to us in the area of thoughtful football analysis, he does have a knack for making good picks against the spread.
In 2005, Bonzo flipped a coin to determine the winner against the spread in each NFL game. And his record, quite frankly, was un-monkey like. Bonzo went an incredible 134-113-5
, a 54.2 percent winning percentage that was better than any of the five experts on CBS Sportsline. Hell, people have started their own 1-900 service for less.
Not bad, for a coin-flipping monkey.
Then, on a crisp spring day in 2006, Bonzo got loose. We thought for sure he had perished in the wild, and even held a brief farewell ceremony. But miraculously, Bonzo returned this past spring, just in time for the draft
and a barnstorming media tour
, sporting a tattoo of Aaron Brooks on his leg and a purple mohawk.
But now that Bonzo is back to pick winners randomly, we have a new appreciation for the ol' mutt.
So, at great expense, we had groundbreaking software sent to us here at CHFF headquarters (the alley behind Steve's Sit 'n' Sip).
With "Monkey Translator 3000," we can now get some sense of Bonzo's thought process before he makes his random coin-flip selections. We'll convey those to you based on the software's interpretation -- interesting stuff, from a simian at least.
And as always, we'll be comparing the picks of our pigskin-prognosticating primate against those from the so-called "pundits" at CBS Sportsline (click here for theirs
Can Bonzo pound the "pundits" again? Well, Bonzo is already off to a 1-0 start thanks to Indy's victory over New Orleans Thursday night, now here are the rest of his Week 1 picks.
Atlanta at Minnesota (-2.5): MIN
Bonzo's thoughts: Bonzo sleepy ... sleepy ... sleepy
Carolina at St. Louis (-1): CAR
Bonzo's thoughts: Smith greatest on turf ... Bonzo escape?
Chicago at San Diego (-5.5): CHI
Bonzo's thoughts: Your latcher good! ... lovie ... Bonzo like upset
Denver at Buffalo (+3.5): BUF
Bonzo's thoughts Home dog ... circle wagons ... banana?
Detroit at Oakland (-1.5): DET
Bonzo's thoughts: Cousin Matt ... Bonzo miss you! ... sadness
Kansas City at Houston (-3): KC
Bonzo's thoughts: You play to win game ... throw feces!
Miami at Washington (-2.5): MIA
Bonzo's thoughts: Mmmm ... fish ... fish ... mmmm
New England at NY Jets (+6.5): NE
Bonzo's thoughts: Randy's rocket ... ready to race ... get me sub sandwich!
NY Giants at Dallas (-5.5): DAL
Bonzo's thoughts: Roam, oh ... america team ... throw more feces!
Bonzo's thoughts: Lombardi ... favv-ree ... Bonzo want coconut
Philadelphia at Green Bay (+2.5): GB
Pittsburgh at Cleveland (+4.5): CLE
Bonzo's thoughts: Bug taste good ... Jane Goodall die ... "O-Sol-Ro-Mi-O"
Tampa Bay at Seattle (-5.5): TB
Bonzo's thoughts: Sea bird sinks ... Zorn? ... Bonzo feel apathy
Tennessee at Jacksonville (-6.5): TEN
Bonzo's thoughts: Look Young run ... witch left ... angry!
Baltimore at Cincinnati (-2.5): CIN
Bonzo's thoughts: Oh cho ... sink oh ... football!
Arizona at San Francisco (-2.5): SF
Bonzo's thoughts: Pretty bird, injured bird ... Bonzo hate Korn, hi sir!