By Jonathan Comey
Cold, Hard Football Facts aper
It's been quite a year for Bonzo, our coin-flipping, prognosticating idiot monkey.
Bonzo got out to an incredible start, going over .500 against the spread every week through the first half and finishing 146-109. Not bad, for a monkey with an IQ of zero that had to be reminded each week how to even flip the coin with heads being the home team, tails being the visitor.
In fact, Bonzo's regular-season record was a game better than the best expert picker from CBS Sports.com, Pete Prisco,
who actually had a pretty remarkable season for a human at 145-110.
But Bonzo's been a shell of his former self lately, going just 4-6 in the playoffs vs. the spread while Prisco went 7-3 to clinch the full-season title over Bonzo.
Ever since wild-card week, when Bonzo went just 1-3, he's been moping around his controlled environment in the basement of the sprawling Cold, Hard Football Facts world headquarters. He hasn't been communicating with us at all, and we got to thinking that perhaps a prettier face than his usual Trolls would cheer him up.
This being the case, we decided to bring in Miss CHFF 2007, Valerie Ontiguy, to talk to Bonzo using our groundbreaking Monkey Translator 3000 software.
Here's how the interview went:
Miss CHFF: Bonzo, your success was incredible this year against the spread – 90 percent of internet pay sites would kill for your record. How did you do it?
Bonzo: Bonzo like woman! ... Bonzo touch ... Bonzo touch?
Miss CHFF: (laughs, nervously) Oh, Bonzo, you need to focus on football, buddy! Is there a secret to your success?
Bonzo: Bonzo grab! ... Bonzo want! ...
(At this point, Bonzo actually lunged at Miss CHFF, and we had to instruct Bonzo's handlers to give him "the shot," one that calms him of his apely urges and gets him focused on football. As you might imagine, Bonzo's care eats up nearly all of CHFF's annual budget.)
With Bonzo calm, and Miss CHFF having been assured that "the shot" always works, the interview continued.
Miss CHFF: What are your thoughts on the playoffs?
Bonzo: Tee oh cry ... Pay tree it's spy ... Tom cough lynn face freeze ... Far-of let green bay down ... el tee get splinters ... row moe no good? ... super bowl mean booze ... Bonzo like booze ... Bonzo touch girl ... Bonzo touch self ... Bonzo!
Miss CHFF: OK, well, I like you too, Bonzo. And who will cover the spread?
Bonzo: Pay tree it's! Pay tree it's! Pay tree it's! Oooh! Ooooh! Ooooh!
And with this selection of New England -11.5, Bonzo leapt over the table and used Miss CHFF's beautifully coiffed hair as a vault, leaping off of her head and out of the small window above the big screen TV into the night.
We haven't seen him (or Miss CHFF, who promptly exited) since, and we expect it'll be awhile before we see him again. But Bonzo always comes back for football season.