An Open Letter to Former Giants Running Back Tiki Barber
Do you ever wish you could improve your bar league flag football team?
Are you tired of year after year playing for the team that everyone loves playing against because you never win a game?
In your mind you know that it's all in good fun. It's a recreational sport, and you do it to because you think it's a healthy counteract to all the beer that you consume (although you very well may be consuming beer while you are participating).
This goes with any sport, it's not fun to lose, regardless of whether it's competitive or just for fun. Sometimes you think, we just need one guy on the team that can actually play, and then, we may have chance. Well, that thought can become a reality for at least one day, and you will know what it feels like to be a champion for a small sum of money.
According to www.UrbanDaddy.com former New York Giants running back Tiki Barber is offering his services to play on your flag football team for the reasonable sum of $1,950.
You will get the New York Giants all-time leading rusher for the afternoon to play either on your team or against your team (if humiliation is your thing).
But the activity is not just limited to flag football.
He will play basketball, volleyball, kickball, or, as it boldly states in the ad, "Tiki also excels at badminton and dodge ball." As long as the activity is 25 miles within New York City limits and you "BYO equipment" you can share the spoils of victory with a former NFL superstar.
After reading this, a light bulb suddenly appeared over my head. With turkey day coming around the corner, I will inevitably have to interact with my family. As the years go on it's becoming more and more shameful to be amongst them, particularly my grandmother. So, it prompted me to write a letter to Mr. Barber proposing that he come to Wisconsin and help me reclaim my pride and achieve a life-long goal. Here is the letter I plan to submit.
To Mr. Barber.
I am writing to humbly employ your services based on your advertisement that I saw on www.UrbanDaddy.com. You see, it's a unique situation that I am in, and I believe, based on your ad, that you may be able to help me with my troubles. You see, ever since I was a child and going into my adult years, I have been unable to defeat my grandmother in badminton. As a kid, I didn't mind being beaten, my seven-year old self was barely able to hit the shuttlecock. I looked like Baltimore third-basemen Mark Reynolds trying to hit a curve-ball. In my teenage years, it was sort of embarrassing, but I convinced myself I was making grandma feel good. In my twenties and now at the age of 31, it's just down right humiliating.
It doesn't matter if I play her by myself or with a partner, Grandma (who is now in her 70's.) is dominant in the backyard. Remember when Larry Johnson did those Grandmama commercials for Converse and he/she schooled all those high school and college age boys on the court? That's what playing badminton is like against my grandmother. She claims to have had a hip replacement, but she is as quick as a tiger. I'll hit the shuttlecock in a near impossible place for her to reach, and she will quickly show her sneaky athleticism and smack the shuttlecock back over the net, and I will dive for it and miss and look like a fool covered in dirt and grass stains, while she laughs her head off and simply states, "game."
She also claims she needs help with any sort of heavy lifting, but you should see her forehand, it's powerful and quick. She exhibited this last year by striking the shuttlecock with such tremendous power that I had no time to react and it hit me square in the forehead. A point for grandma, a laugh for the family, and a red mark of shame left upon my face for days.
I have tried to defeat her in many ways. I started training by upping my cardio workouts at the gym, strengthening my forearms with specific weights, and finally improving my hand-eye coordination by playing tennis on the Nintento Wii. None of this seems to matter, somehow my grandmother is faster, stronger, and more agile than I am.
I have even stooped as low as to give my two-year old cousin Timmy a racket and said, "you are on grandma's team," while I took my 27-year old physically fit younger brother. Little Timmy stood there in awe as grandma took us to school. But she made sure to hit the shuttlecock in my direction, for every point. She knew what I was trying to do, and she was bound and determined to continue her dominace over me.
Mr. Barber I am tired of losing, I am tired of facing my family in shame, I am tired of looking at my grandma and seeing that little smirk on her face that says, "I own you." It's become a long running joke in the family that I cannot and will not beat her. It started as whispers, now it's just eventual dinner conversation.
In your ad, you specifically state you excel at badminton. I need your services in a bad way. I need you to display the type of athleticism you showed you had with the nine years you spent with the Giants. I need this for this coming Thanksgiving in my grandmother's backyard in Wisconsin. I know your ad states that the event must be within 25 miles of New York City, but Mr. Barber this is about self-respect, I need to know what it feels like to beat my grandmother at this sport before she passes on.
Once again, I know that the distance may be an issue, but I am willing to up your $1,950 fee to $2,000 and take care of the plane ticket. I was saving this money to pay off the remainder of my student loans, but I believe this is a reasonable sum of money to make my family members stop laughing at me to my face. The good news is, we have the net set up and plenty of rackets. I would just advise to dress warm, and don't worry if it snows, she will still want to play.
After we defeat her (and I assume we will, since you claim once again to excel at badminton), you are welcome to join us for Thanksgiving dinner and watch Dallas host Washington, and you can tell tales of past glory while my grandmother rubs her sore hip from getting waxed by a pro.
Big props to Bill Enright for tweeting about this yesterday