10 Things You Don't Want To Hear At A Super Bowl Party

By Michael Pennywark
January 29, 2013 11:53 pm
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So, you’re all ready for the big day. You’ve been waiting all year. Sure, your team didn’t even make it to the playoffs this year but that doesn’t mean you won’t be enjoying the holiest of national holidays—Super Bowl Sunday (okay so it’s not a “real” holiday…yet).

You’re smart enough to know that you don’t ever want to be hosting this party—there’s nothing worse than having to clean up after all your buddies. You’ve carefully selected which party to attend based on the size of the television, stumbling distance from home, and projected comfort of furnishings (this sometimes takes some reconnaissance during the season).

There are just a few things that could possibly spoil this occasion.

Here are the top 10 things you don’t want to hear while watching the Super Bowl this Sunday; and some advice on how to salvage your day if you do.

1. “We just turned vegan so instead of pizza, wings, and ribs we have this awesome tofu salad Jenni made.”

Solution: Run! Run now!


2. “Quick, change the channel. Downton Abbey’s about to start.”

Solution: Hide the remote, fast!


3. “We just got back from Southern France and thought it would be delightful to serve this wonderful chardonnay we found instead of beer.”

Solution: At first it might appear that all is not lost; I mean at least they have booze. By the time you finish sucking down the six-pack you brought, you’ll realize that the sort of people that serve chardonnay at a Super Bowl party are the sort of people that have friends that drink chardonnay at a Super Bowl party. Make good use of your time during the halftime show and find a real party.


4. “What’s that yellow line mean?”

Solution: Hand the person a list of basic football rules you printed out before you came over—you are bound to hear nothing but questions from them all game long and while it’s great that they want to take an interest in this day of awesomeness, there is nothing worse than having to explain every nuance of the game. Except maybe having to listen to someone else explain every nuance of the game.


5. “I wonder what Beyonce will be wearing.”

Solution: You might be at the wrong kind of party. Check in on your backup plan.


6. “I only watch for the commercials.”

Solution: Find the seat furthest away from this person, they are guaranteed to ruin the day for you when they talk through the whole game only to “shush” everyone for the ad breaks.


7. “I bet everything I have on the Ravens/49ers.”

Solution: This could go either way. You’ll want to be close at hand while they are winning—you could be heading for an all expenses paid night on the town. But keep far away if they are losing—they’ll be sobbing about it for the rest of the night and nobody wants to see a grown man cry.


8. “I hope someone scores a goal this inning”

Solution: See 4.


9. “If it’s fifteen minutes a quarter we can leave in an hour, right?”

Solution: Challenge them to a game of beer pong during the pregame show. Eventually they will get drunk enough to lose track of time.


10.  “Oh my gosh, is that Donald Trump streaking across the field.”

Solution: You can try drinking ‘til you black out or gauging your eyeballs out with a rusty spoon but nothing short of professional help is going to erase that image.

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18 months ago
Good stuff, Michael.

Sadly, I've experienced No. 4 on more than one occasion.
18 months ago
This is "laugh out loud" funny. Great piece. For number 10, grinding white hot coals into your eye sockets will also be a step in the right direction.
18 months ago
I'll always be scarred from my no. 6 experience.
18 months ago

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