Congratulations, you’ve just been invited to the most exclusive party of the month! (A more exclusive party will be held in June— you are not invited to that one.) With the exception of you and me, everyone invited to the party is an NFL superstar! It will be a blast!
Everyone on this list has already agreed to come to my dinner party.
1. JARED ALLEN
Jared Allen has a mullet. He was the first guest to RSVP and will be arriving right after a hunting trip. Jared kills all of his own food and only eats meat.
2. MARSHAWN LYNCH
Marshawn will only eat Skittles and he will only drink Skittle-flavored vodka.
3. DREW BREES
Drew Brees thinks that the dinner party is actually a charity event. That is the reason he is coming.
4. LARRY FITZGERALD
Larry Fitzgerald is nice. He will charm the other party guests with his smile.
5. REX RYAN
Bill Belichick told me to get off his property when I went to invite him to the party, so I got Rex Ryan to come instead. Rex will have lots of funny stories and will lighten the mood of the dinner.
6. AARON RODGERS
State Farm is sponsoring the dinner party, so A-Rod is contractually obligated to attend. He is also obligated to do the Discount Double Check three times.
7. PEYTON MANNING
Peyton was only going to come if Eli wasn’t going to be attending.
8. ROGER GOODELL
Roger will share all of his views about the league at the party. He will not be allowed to suspend anyone at the meal.
9. FRED JACKSON
Arian Foster and Adrian Peterson were busy, but Fred Jackson was thrilled that to be invited. He will dine on Buffalo wings because he plays for the Buffalo Bills.
10. JAMES HARRISON
James Harrison told me that he would beat me up if he could not come to the dinner party. He can come to the dinner party.
Hopefully this amazing guest list has enticed you to accept your invitation. Please RSVP as soon as possible.
*Note: Bring one dish to the dinner—we still need someone to make oatmeal raisin cookies, so if you could bake some that would be great. Also, no plus ones.